Thank you, Lord!!!

I know I have been real down on myself through all this crap with guys... I have gotten to the point where I hate every guy I see because of how crappy I feel over all that happened with Jon. I know it really sucked, but God!!! You've been there for me through all this, and you've proven yourself to be the only guy I can truly trust and not have to be afraid of. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!! Please help me to show it more because I know I've been a real idiot to you and not giving you the credit you deserve. I thank you for helping me end it before it got even worse. I keep praying that you would put him in his place and show him how much he hurt me physically, emotionally, and spiritually, but Lord, I know that's not right... I am sorry for doing that, but please teach him somehow through this... You know how much I truly do love him and hate to see this happen. Please help me to get over this somehow.... I don't know what to do anymore, please help me to lay this all down at your feet, Lord, and trust you to get me through this. Please give me direction with these future guys as to what to do, whether I am ready and or able to get over Jon, so that this doesn't happen again. Thanks sooooooo very much for all you taught me through this. Please help me to get over myself and want more and more of you most of all. YOU ARE THE ONLY GUY I DON'T NEED TO BE AFRAID OF!!!

People suck!!!

It hurts so much when people don't care, people don't understand, and don't care bout you like they used to :'( Life sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I GIVE UP!!!!!!!!

I don't know what to do!!!

K ill admit that i have a lot of anger and hurt built up in my heart, and it is really startin to show. I've been holding it in for awhile, and trying to overcome it the best I can, but I just can't seem to get over it. I was doing so good. I rededicated my life to the Lord on saturday and have been reading His word every chance I get, listening to only Christian music, which has been TERRIBLY hard for me and really hard to follow thru with, and doing my best to treat others the way I would LOVE to be treated. But monday I let my dad use my car, kinda frustrated me and stuff cuz he messed my stuff up and got me late to work and school , which didnt go over well. And was hard to keep my cool, but I did and continued to let the Lord's joy shine thru me. I wasn't supposed to work, which also thru me for a loop, but I still was able to follow thru with it. I then got home from work REALLY late and was rather cranky cuz i had TONS of homework to do as well. I stayed up till 2 AM and was able to finish it, but because of all the typing I did, my hand was in real bad shape and I stayed up most the night icing it. Then tuesday, I wake up late to get yelled at that my dad needed my car again, so I had very little time to get all my stuff I needed. I did finally, but was late again to school. And got yelled at by mom and josh the whole way to school. Then my dad is late yet again to take me to work, which went over real bad, since it was a very important night at work. And someone would NOT stop texting me throughout the day saying, "I love you." "I miss you." "I want you." "I know all about you, your a junior, work at mcdonalds, have two brothers, and go to church." All along I was telling, whoever it was to leave me alone and who are you. I quit replying after a few minutes, yet they still continued texting me, making me really mad, since I don't take stalkers very well AT ALL!!! Then finally I got to work and they told me, which made me even more mad. Because it was Amy, who the night before had come into my work, and I tried to be nice and respectful, yet she chose to be rude and not very nice to me. She finally left, and my other friend from work sat with me on break and told me all the guys Amy has slept with, which really made me mad, cuz Amy promised me the guys that I asked her about were the ONLY ones she had done stuff with. And yet again, I found out that the first kid she was pregnant with was NOT with who she told me it was with. Also, that day, I knew my big sis was having a hard day so I didn't wanna bother her, but I just couldn't handle it. I told Leah I wasn't gonna all day, and then I felt bad when I failed. But she means so much to me!!!!! And then last night, I almost wrecked, got yelled at and beat up by Josh, almost got caught in a house fire, and all that just because I wanted some cereal. LONG STORY!!!! but thats the just of it. But yet again, I didn't get home til bout 11 and still had work to do. And yet again, I missed my big sis REAL bad!!! Then today, I woke up late yet again, to get yelled at by Josh.....with some foul language....bout the night before and how I couldn't get my car unlocked. I took him to school, but all I did I just didn't know what to do with him. And I missed my big sis REALLY bad, but didn't talk to her all day, which killed me!!! Then, of course, Josh called my parents to take him home cuz he didn't wanna go home with me. And I get home to Mary wanting to help me with my newspaper route so I let her. Then I took her home and came back and finished it. Then go straight to church to find her there, I let her know I had LOTS of work to take care of, but she continued to follow me and sidetrack me. I got some death stares but I just ignored em, cuz I had sooooo much stuff to do. I got in a BIG fight with my big sis :'( and yet again I'm just sitting here crying missing her. LOVE HER SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But idk how to make all this right, idk what to do, I guess I'll just wait for her. I love her soooooooo much!!!!!!!!! but its getting SOOOOOOOO hard for me to continuing wanting to sacrifice for her.....when I feel I get nuttin. I LOVE HER MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WHOLE WORLD!!!!!!!!!! But idk what to do about it :'( I have Leah, begging me to finally have a good day for once, and I want to soooooooooooo bad, but I know that that CAN'T happen til I feel me and my big sis are good. And I still don't feel she cares. I feel like I've gone thru all this alone, and its hard to trust her when she hasn't been there in awhile. I wanna help her sooooooooooooo much more, but I feel like she's so far away. She'll never wanna talk to me and share with me whats going on. I'm tired of it being all about me. I DONT WANT IT TO BE!!!!!!!! :( I wanna know more and more bout my big sis :'( But the only chance we get to talk is fighting :( She has other people I feel so retarded for even trying to give her ALL my heart, and rejecting all my friends and people in my life just for her. It's what I wanna do, but yet doesn't seem to even out. I've been doing so good with God, but yet she feels I suck at that and am not trusting. Ive never tried soooooo hard in my life :'( LUV U BIG SIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sorry :'( I dont know what to do.

Tears from the heart

I love her sooooo much! I don't know whats wrong with me, she said goodnight. And i freaked out. Im sitting here puking up crud cuz i havent eaten and my nose is running faster than I can catch it. I look like Im about to die im crying soooo hard. Im soooo worried about her. I don't understand, I thought she was gonna talk to me more but she's gone just bye and nothing more. UGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! GOD HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!! I FEEL LIKE IM GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have a book report due tomorrow, a bible paper due, french test, and tons of anatomy notes to type. I don't know how I am gonna do it. I gave ALL my time to her this weekend!!!!!!!!!!! I love her soooo much, but why Lord why can I not focus on my work :'((( I can't even talk my voice is gone :( I DONT UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CANT TAKE THIS LORD!!!!!!!!!!! I FEEL LIKE I HAVE THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD on my shoulders and no one to turn to!!!!!!!!! :( AHHHHHHH! please help me God!!!!!!! PLEASE HELP KATIE!!!!!!!!!! Help me to get my work done and give me peace!!!!!!!!! I dont know what to do!!!!!!!!! :'(((( Well its midnight i better go. I love u katie!!!!! Please read this!!!!

What's on my heart!!!!!!!

I'm just sitting here balling my eyes out, I can barely see to type, but that's okay. My heart is just in sooooo much pain to see my big sis sad at all, but I know it's for a very valid reason. I love her sooooo dearly!!!!!!!! Though my heart aches right now cuz of the drama I am dealing with soooo many people that really don't mean anything to me but that they are someone else who just wants to make my life a whole lot crappier for me.....God knows that first and foremost I treasure my big sis as GOLD!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE IS SOOOO MUCH MORE AMAZING than anyone I could ever dream of meeting!!!!!!!! She helps me in more ways than it is even possible!!!!!!!!! SHE MEANS THE WORLD TO ME!!!!!!! Oh I pray, LORD, that you would take her pain away and give her peace!!!!!!!!!!!!! She doesn't deserve this pain at all!!!!!!!!! Help her to grow stronger in this, and not get taken down and depressed!!!!!!!!! Please wrap your arms around her and protect her!!!!!!!!!! Please show her your love and mighty hand!!!!!!!!!! Please direct her and guide her, and show her your wonderful plan for her life!!!!!!!!!!! OH LORD, I PLEAD!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, LORD, I'm overtaken with emotion.........GOD, YOU NEVER GIVE UP ON US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh GOD, YOUR SOOOOOO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M JUST SWAMPED IN TEARS OVER YOUR AMAZINGNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CRY OUT TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THOUGH, I AM WEAK, YOU ARE STRONG!!!!!!!!!!!! YOUR MIGHTY HAND IS OVER EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE LORD, HOLD MY BIG SIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM SOOOOO WORRIED ABOUT HER!!!!!!!!!!!! :'( THANK YOU, GOD, FOR HER!!!!!!!!!!! WITH YOU I OVERCOME FEAR!!!!!!!!!!! ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH GOD, THANKS SOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU TO DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND BIG SIS, YOUR ALWAYS IN MY HEART!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO MATTER HOW FAR APART WE GET!!!!!!!!!!! :'( Oh, it kills me, but i trust God will keep you safe!!!!!!!!!! LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! Well it's almost midnight so i better get to my homework, and I gotta get to hugging on my bears or I will never get to sleep. Oh, Lord, I'm sooooo overcome with emotion!!!!!!!!!!

KATIE LOWE!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW COULD IT GET ANY BETTER?????? :D

doesn't he look AMAZZZZZING!!!!!!! ;D

Okay so I know its been forever, but who cares. I aint got time for this everyday ;) anyway ive been sick all day, feeling like crap, laying in bed, being sooooo cranky and complaining about everything. The stress has reached it limit, but somehow I gotta look past it or I'm gonna be a mess and a total jerk to others. Why be sooooo selfish???? Just totally not worth it. Well anyway God put this song in my head on the way to work....and I was singing it the whole time, waiting to look it up when I got home. But it reminds me of my MOST AMAZING FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY AWESOME BIG SIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No one could mean anymore to me!!!!! Cuz no one on this earth has meant sooooo much to me and been in my heart for sooooo long!!!!!! and no one really knows how many times I have begged for this person (a sister), someone who loves me, sacrifices a lot for me, cares about me, and does her best to help me in everything.....someone who makes me feel special and worth something!!!!!!!! SOOOOO MUCH MORE THAN A FRIEND COULD EVER GIVE ME!!!!!!!!! I could never ask for more. Though I have been such a jerk lately and have gotten sooooo selfish cuz of all the emotions i have been feeling I still know I have her to turn to no matter how many times I tell myself that I cant. But she still believes in me!!!!!!!!!! THANKS SOOOOOOO STINKIN MUCH KATIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.......DANG IT!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't get the video to load but here are the lyrics (look it up on you tube).....


Come stop your crying
It will be all right
Just take my hand
Hold it tight
I will protect you
from all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry
For one so small,
you seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry
'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on Now and forever more
You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart, always

Why can't they understand the way we feel
They just don't trust what they can't explain
I know we're different but, deep inside us
We're not that different at all
And you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
Don't listen to them
'Cause what do they know
We need each other, to have, to hold
They'll see in time I know
When destiny calls you
You must be strong cause
I may not be with you
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know

We'll show them together cause
you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on,
Now and forever more
Oh, you'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be in my heart, always

Always yes i'll be with you.
cause i'll be there for you
always always and always
just look over your shoulder
just look over your shoulder
just look over your shoulder
i'll be there for you always always

P.S. lol. I know its from Tarzan.....but its awesome just the same!!!!! :D

I dedicate this song to you!!!!!!! You are such a blessing to me, Katie!!!!!! LUV U SOOOOOOO MUCH BIG SIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU WILL ALWAYS BE IN MY HEART, NO MATTER HOW FAR WE GET AWAY FROM EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL ALWAYS MISS YOU AND CHERISH YOU FOREVER IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!! U'VE IMPACTED ME IN SOOOOOO MANY WAYS!!!!!!!!!!!! I COULD NEVER EXPRESS HOW THANKFUL I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I COULD NEVER EXPRESS HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!! AND HOW MUCH U HAVE BLESSED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOUR THE BESTEST!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

You don't know what you have till its gone!!!!

Well let's see.....ITS BEEN FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!! DANG! ive been soooo busy! Hmm....pretty much I have a new best friend. I can't go a day without talking to her. She is like everything to me. Ha ha im addicted to ice cream now and sugarland and driving by peoples houses to make sure they are okay.....in my crazy mind :) And i miss my grandma a lot.....she did SOOOO much for me. And i never really thanked her for it :'(.....She died on tuesday and someone was there to rescue me!!!!!!! AHHHH!!!!!!!! The best feeling in the world!!!!! I'm working two jobs now, delivering flyers in the mornings and MC'DONALDS!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!! NOT!!!!!!!!!! lol. It's money.....lol. I get my first pay check this friday!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!! The highlight of my week.....the normal highlight of my week is getting to see my big sis......but she is really busy. And i hope that she has a really fun time on her trip to Branson. But BOY will I miss her......CRAZY ME!!!!!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Im listening to songs that remind me of her right now :) I've been hanging out with Joshy a lot lately too. Ha ha he is sooooo crazy.....and i always sit there "listening" to him babble on everyday....though im really not listening at all :) He just wants me to take him to get him some ice cream and it makes me feel not so lonely! And i've been dealing with Amy and Mary....UGH! I wish they would get it by now. WHATEV! And faith and i are talking again! :) bout to send her another card! Well.....right now me = ice cream, music, big sis, and work!!!!!!!!!! SUCH A SWEET LIFE!!!!!!!!! :) Though boring at times....but i haven't been getting in bad trouble cuz of boredom lately....which is always good :)....bout to go to Colorado in two weeks....gonna need a lot of prayer there.....BOY!!!!!!! will i be homesick and scared to death! as well as crying 24/7 oh im gonna be a mess!!!!! I MISS MY BIG SIS ALREADY!!!!!!!!! :'( Well gotta go get ready for work. And im praying for a good week.....and that i wont miss someone so much! LUV U SOOOO MUCH KATIE!!!!!!!!!! Hope u have an awesome week too!!!!!! :)